Utah In the Midst of an Abrupt Climate Change

Scientists predict that climate in Utah will soon be similar to that of the last ice age


Scientists have been warning us for years about the possibility of abrupt climate change.  The idea that factories and automobiles spewing out massive amounts of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere could potentially drastically change the Earth's climate, may now be coming into effect.

Climatologists have been coming up with models and theories for years in an attempt to attach a timeline to the possibility of abrupt climate change.  However, none of them ever thought that it would happen this soon, or this quickly.  Some sources tell us that we could be seeing temperatures at or below 0 F as soon as January if the current cooling trend continues.

This graph shows the rapid cooling trend compared to a comfortable room temperature

"I can see someone making a movie about this someday in the near future." reports a local climatologist who requests to remain anonymous.  "Throw some big names in there like Dennis Quaid, Jake Gyllenhaal and Emmy Rossum.  Have it set in New York City, maybe have some teenagers take refuge in some sort of public facility forcing their parents to try and rescue them even though they are hundreds of miles away.  I don't know what you would call it, but I think people would be interested in watching it.  It might help them think about what they will do when it happens to them.  It could happen anytime now.... tomorrow, or possibly the day after tomorrow."

Officials tell us that people should prepare for this abrupt shift in temperatures by purchasing warm clothing, turning on their furnaces, preparing for major traffic delays due to icy roads and stocking up on large amounts of Stephen's Gourmet Hot Chocolate.  Which comes in many delicious flavors and is available at your local grocery store and Wal-Mart stores around the nation.

A Final Push To Finish

Local teen despite struggles and distractions is able to finish mowing lawn


A sweaty and tired Richard Johnson breathed a heavy sigh as he looked at the last stretch of lawn.  He takes a deep breath as he musters up what little energy he has left, curses a few times under his breath and begins to push forward with all his might to finish the remainder of his weekend chores so that he can play with his friends.

Johnson has to finish mowing before he can go to his baseball game

"His Mom is always making him do stuff around the house, like mowing the lawn and cleaning his room."  Johnson's friend James tells us.  "My great uncle is a lawyer, and I'm pretty sure she's breaking some kind of child labor laws by making him do all of this stuff."

Mrs. Johnson was unavailable to comment at the time, but her husband claims that she has no intention of reducing the amount of chores she forces her children to endure.

Report by Mark Dimond, NewsMob

Democrats Propose New Solution to Immigration Problem

Senator Jim Webb suggests America build a "Freedom Wall"

Report by Mark Dimond

WASHINGTON DC—Virginia Senator Jim Webb announced a new bold strategy to help solve our nation’s ever increasing immigration problem in a news conference yesterday afternoon.  Webb suggests that the United States of America build a giant wall around the entire country.

Obama shows his support for Webb's "Freedom Wall"

“It’s basically a win, win situation for America.”  Webb said during his press conference.  “It will take a massive labor force to build this wall, which will create millions of temporary jobs all over the country.  It will also allow us to take a more defensive approach to keeping out illegal immigrants.”

The proposed wall would stretch nearly 10,900 miles around the United States, including Hawaii and Alaska and take approximately 10 years to build.

When asked about its striking resemblance to the Great Wall of China, he responded “The Great Wall of What?  No, this is all original.  If the Chinese have anything similar to this it should make us want to build this wall that much more, because they must have a spy in place.”

In unrelated news, wide spread panic arose when the popular social networking site Facebook went down for 5 minutes last night due to some routine maintenance. 

Justin Bieber Battles Career-Deadly Disease

Bieber's condition may bring an end to his career 


By Dallin Nelson, Senior Teen Pop Star Analyst


Famous among teen girls and underworked middle-aged women, undeserving sensation Justin Bieber may be dealing with what adolescent specialists are referring to as “puberty,” or, “Bieber fever.” Whatever its name, it is rapidly becoming detrimental to the performer’s career. Songs once recorded comfortably can no longer be performed live due to a seeming inability to produce estrogen.

Post pubescent Bieber

Long time family friend Phil McReyvas says that Justin “sounds like screeching brakes. Up until this point, Justin had a voice powerful enough to make grown women listen to music they were secretly ashamed of, and make men reflexively turn off the radio. Now, Aaron Neville is coming after him, saying, ‘yo white ass is grass!’ in response to his sound being illegally replicated!”

“Puberty” seems to be a more common affliction than most think. Symptoms often include things like the slow disappearance of “cooties (a contagious virus often seen in school playgrounds)” in members of the opposite sex, voice changes that no longer allow phone callers to mistakenly identify the victim as the victim’s mother, and the development of a normal sized penis (in males and some females).

Doctors have been doing everything possible to retard the onset of this tragic and debilitating affliction: keeping Justin away from what he calls “hot babes (highly irrational, since most of the said infants were at least half his age and usually at normal temperature),” restricting participation in Call of Duty, and altogether eliminating “Little J time,” by having a constant observation of excretory activities.

Justin was unavailable for comments, since he claimed he was “having constant diarrhea, and need[ed] everyone to stay away from [him] for a few more hours.” During the same period, he claimed that a big bottle of lotion would help with the…burning. No matter what happens, this climax of manhood has come without warning, and teens, parents, and doctors today will be cleaning up the mess.

itunes Confirmation Pop-ups Intended to Question Buyer Judgement

Apple execs want to make sure that you're sure that you want to buy that song


Article by Spencer Healey

Apple cares.  That's the image that the people over at Apple want us to have of them.  "We are worried to death about you as a buyer." Steve Jobs said recently to a group of teenagers ahead of him in line at Burger King, "I'm pretty positive you're gonna make a foolish purchase...now you've asked for the Jr. Whopper, are you sure you want to purchase the Jr. Whopper?  Once you've ordered the Jr. Whopper you're money will be inserted into the cash register there and you'll receive a Jr. Whopper in return."  Jobs poses a very intriguing question:  Do we really wanna buy that thing that we just said we wanted to buy?

The people over at Apple aren't too sure we are.  And that's why they're going one step further in questioning the judgement of buyers of Apple products by adding three new pop-up prompts everytime you make a purchase on itunes, just to make sure you actually are trying to "purchase" that particular song and/or video. 

"'Sure' is a relative term.  Of course you're 'sure'...I'm sure I have to take a dump right now, but I'm also pretty certain I can hold it til this interview is over." - Tim Cook

"Really, people can't be trusted these days to make correct decisions on their first or second tries.  By making prompts appear in their faces that ask them whether or not they as the buyer really wanted to "purchase" the thing they are trying to purchase we may be bringing the buyer to the terrible realization that they may be making a horrible $1.29 mistake."  Jobs' concern for - and low opinion of - buyer judgement has caused Apple to take drastic steps in helping consumers change their minds about spending money on itunes.  "We really don't think consumers should just go runnin' around buyin' songs and vids like crazy people.  No, no, they should seriously reconsider anytime they purchase product from us."  Explained Tim Cook, Cheif Operating Officer of Apple.  "If we could, we would make people people question themselves everytime they made any type of decision or came to any type of conclusion." 

Tiger Woods Looks for New Ways to Suck at Life

Golf legend turns to 'losing' to destroy what's left of his career

Report by Spencer Healey

Before 2010 - the most respected person in sports.  Before  2010 - the Wheaties poster boy.  Before 2010 - The hybrid sportsman and highest paid athlete in the world.  Before 2010...Tiger's life was a living hell. 

"It's like I was this iconic figure that everyone loved and adored.  It was the worst!" an emotional Tiger told NewsMob reporters on Tuesday.  "Tiger was not who Tiger wanted to be." added Tiger.  For years Tiger Woods' life was one of complete and utter success.  A terrible life filled with happiness and void of the problems that most Americans are priveledged to face daily.  "Sponsors were all over me.  Nike wanted me, Wheaties wanted me...the only reason people buy the Gillete Fusion razor was because of me." said Woods humbly,  "It was time Tiger turned his life around once and for all." 

Tiger devastated that crowd still loves him.  Gives them the bird.

Tiger began his recovery from international stardom and respect in early 2010 when he revealed that he had cheated on his wife with not one but 13 women throughout his career.  "The backlash in the home was immediate, and the media soon followed."  Said Tiger - relieved finally of his awful burden of being seen as a kind and loving family man,  "I felt free at last.  Now the public could really hate me, my family could despise me, and my sponsors could hang me out to dry.  It was Tiger's time."

Local Man Goes “Green”

Brian Michaels uses non-biodegradable paint to ensure his lawn stays green all year
PAYSON,UT--Are you finding that summer watering regulations are leaving your grass dead? Is the high cost of watering your lawn leaving your lawn a fire hazard? If either of these is the case, you may be interested in a new solution being used by many around the country to ensure their lawn is always looking better than the neighbors.

 "My grass stays green all year long, no matter what." Says Payson local, Brian Michaels. "I special order this paint from China. It's made of a special mix of latex, epoxy, and lead based paint. It's specially engineered to cling to the individual blades of grass and never come off."

Michaels demonstrating how the paint works

When asked about the possible environmental effects of the paint, he explained "All of the ingredients that are found in this paint are completely natural, and not harmful to the environment. Well, the label was written in Chinese, but I have a nephew that has a friend that served his mission in China. My nephew asked him about it and he said that it was safe. As long as you don't expose it to open flame, you're good."