Report by Spencer Healey
Before 2010 - the most respected person in sports. Before 2010 - the Wheaties poster boy. Before 2010 - The hybrid sportsman and highest paid athlete in the world. Before 2010...Tiger's life was a living hell.
"It's like I was this iconic figure that everyone loved and adored. It was the worst!" an emotional Tiger told NewsMob reporters on Tuesday. "Tiger was not who Tiger wanted to be." added Tiger. For years Tiger Woods' life was one of complete and utter success. A terrible life filled with happiness and void of the problems that most Americans are priveledged to face daily. "Sponsors were all over me. Nike wanted me, Wheaties wanted me...the only reason people buy the Gillete Fusion razor was because of me." said Woods humbly, "It was time Tiger turned his life around once and for all."
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| Tiger devastated that crowd still loves him. Gives them the bird. |
Tiger began his recovery from international stardom and respect in early 2010 when he revealed that he had cheated on his wife with not one but 13 women throughout his career. "The backlash in the home was immediate, and the media soon followed." Said Tiger - relieved finally of his awful burden of being seen as a kind and loving family man, "I felt free at last. Now the public could really hate me, my family could despise me, and my sponsors could hang me out to dry. It was Tiger's time."
But to his dismay Woods found that through it all he was still loved and admired by the masses. "Even after the divorce people gave me their support and blamed it on the 'fame'." choked Tiger as he fought back tears welling up in his eyes. The sponsors, disillusioned with Woods initially, were quick to stand firmly behind their prodigy. "Nike, Buick, Tagheur...they all still want me! I can't get rid of them."
Tiger says that he's got a few tricks up his sleeve though that he is confident will dash all hopes of him returning to his former glory. "I realized that I was still really good at golf, and that was holding me back." Said Tiger half smiling, "I figure now though that I suck so bad, people with have to loathe me." And suck he did at the U.S. Ryder cup this week finishing 85th.
The road to recovery seems long and bleak for Tiger, even hopeless. But as long he keeps playing like a drunk teenage girl at the Opens he may have a chance at leaving his former bliss behind once and for all. As part of his plan to make fans dislike him more he has even changed his speech patterns, referring to himself often in the third person like a total D-bag. "Tiger will never give. This is Tiger's life and Tiger will ruin it however Tiger wants to." When asked what he would do if he was still popular with fans even after such a terrible finish at the Ryder Cup Woods explained, "It may come to a point where Tiger has to do something more drastic like slapping Mickelson's grandmother or dating one of the Kardashians." Whatever the scenerio you will always be our hero Tiger, Godspeed.
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