By Dallin Nelson, Senior Teen Pop Star Analyst
Famous among teen girls and underworked middle-aged women, undeserving sensation Justin Bieber may be dealing with what adolescent specialists are referring to as “puberty,” or, “Bieber fever.” Whatever its name, it is rapidly becoming detrimental to the performer’s career. Songs once recorded comfortably can no longer be performed live due to a seeming inability to produce estrogen.
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| Post pubescent Bieber |
Long time family friend Phil McReyvas says that Justin “sounds like screeching brakes. Up until this point, Justin had a voice powerful enough to make grown women listen to music they were secretly ashamed of, and make men reflexively turn off the radio. Now, Aaron Neville is coming after him, saying, ‘yo white ass is grass!’ in response to his sound being illegally replicated!”
“Puberty” seems to be a more common affliction than most think. Symptoms often include things like the slow disappearance of “cooties (a contagious virus often seen in school playgrounds)” in members of the opposite sex, voice changes that no longer allow phone callers to mistakenly identify the victim as the victim’s mother, and the development of a normal sized penis (in males and some females).
Doctors have been doing everything possible to retard the onset of this tragic and debilitating affliction: keeping Justin away from what he calls “hot babes (highly irrational, since most of the said infants were at least half his age and usually at normal temperature),” restricting participation in Call of Duty, and altogether eliminating “Little J time,” by having a constant observation of excretory activities.
Justin was unavailable for comments, since he claimed he was “having constant diarrhea, and need[ed] everyone to stay away from [him] for a few more hours.” During the same period, he claimed that a big bottle of lotion would help with the…burning. No matter what happens, this climax of manhood has come without warning, and teens, parents, and doctors today will be cleaning up the mess.
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