Democrats Propose New Solution to Immigration Problem

Senator Jim Webb suggests America build a "Freedom Wall"

Report by Mark Dimond

WASHINGTON DC—Virginia Senator Jim Webb announced a new bold strategy to help solve our nation’s ever increasing immigration problem in a news conference yesterday afternoon.  Webb suggests that the United States of America build a giant wall around the entire country.

Obama shows his support for Webb's "Freedom Wall"

“It’s basically a win, win situation for America.”  Webb said during his press conference.  “It will take a massive labor force to build this wall, which will create millions of temporary jobs all over the country.  It will also allow us to take a more defensive approach to keeping out illegal immigrants.”

The proposed wall would stretch nearly 10,900 miles around the United States, including Hawaii and Alaska and take approximately 10 years to build.

When asked about its striking resemblance to the Great Wall of China, he responded “The Great Wall of What?  No, this is all original.  If the Chinese have anything similar to this it should make us want to build this wall that much more, because they must have a spy in place.”

In unrelated news, wide spread panic arose when the popular social networking site Facebook went down for 5 minutes last night due to some routine maintenance. 

Justin Bieber Battles Career-Deadly Disease

Bieber's condition may bring an end to his career 


By Dallin Nelson, Senior Teen Pop Star Analyst


Famous among teen girls and underworked middle-aged women, undeserving sensation Justin Bieber may be dealing with what adolescent specialists are referring to as “puberty,” or, “Bieber fever.” Whatever its name, it is rapidly becoming detrimental to the performer’s career. Songs once recorded comfortably can no longer be performed live due to a seeming inability to produce estrogen.

Post pubescent Bieber

Long time family friend Phil McReyvas says that Justin “sounds like screeching brakes. Up until this point, Justin had a voice powerful enough to make grown women listen to music they were secretly ashamed of, and make men reflexively turn off the radio. Now, Aaron Neville is coming after him, saying, ‘yo white ass is grass!’ in response to his sound being illegally replicated!”

“Puberty” seems to be a more common affliction than most think. Symptoms often include things like the slow disappearance of “cooties (a contagious virus often seen in school playgrounds)” in members of the opposite sex, voice changes that no longer allow phone callers to mistakenly identify the victim as the victim’s mother, and the development of a normal sized penis (in males and some females).

Doctors have been doing everything possible to retard the onset of this tragic and debilitating affliction: keeping Justin away from what he calls “hot babes (highly irrational, since most of the said infants were at least half his age and usually at normal temperature),” restricting participation in Call of Duty, and altogether eliminating “Little J time,” by having a constant observation of excretory activities.

Justin was unavailable for comments, since he claimed he was “having constant diarrhea, and need[ed] everyone to stay away from [him] for a few more hours.” During the same period, he claimed that a big bottle of lotion would help with the…burning. No matter what happens, this climax of manhood has come without warning, and teens, parents, and doctors today will be cleaning up the mess.

itunes Confirmation Pop-ups Intended to Question Buyer Judgement

Apple execs want to make sure that you're sure that you want to buy that song


Article by Spencer Healey

Apple cares.  That's the image that the people over at Apple want us to have of them.  "We are worried to death about you as a buyer." Steve Jobs said recently to a group of teenagers ahead of him in line at Burger King, "I'm pretty positive you're gonna make a foolish purchase...now you've asked for the Jr. Whopper, are you sure you want to purchase the Jr. Whopper?  Once you've ordered the Jr. Whopper you're money will be inserted into the cash register there and you'll receive a Jr. Whopper in return."  Jobs poses a very intriguing question:  Do we really wanna buy that thing that we just said we wanted to buy?

The people over at Apple aren't too sure we are.  And that's why they're going one step further in questioning the judgement of buyers of Apple products by adding three new pop-up prompts everytime you make a purchase on itunes, just to make sure you actually are trying to "purchase" that particular song and/or video. 

"'Sure' is a relative term.  Of course you're 'sure'...I'm sure I have to take a dump right now, but I'm also pretty certain I can hold it til this interview is over." - Tim Cook

"Really, people can't be trusted these days to make correct decisions on their first or second tries.  By making prompts appear in their faces that ask them whether or not they as the buyer really wanted to "purchase" the thing they are trying to purchase we may be bringing the buyer to the terrible realization that they may be making a horrible $1.29 mistake."  Jobs' concern for - and low opinion of - buyer judgement has caused Apple to take drastic steps in helping consumers change their minds about spending money on itunes.  "We really don't think consumers should just go runnin' around buyin' songs and vids like crazy people.  No, no, they should seriously reconsider anytime they purchase product from us."  Explained Tim Cook, Cheif Operating Officer of Apple.  "If we could, we would make people people question themselves everytime they made any type of decision or came to any type of conclusion." 

Tiger Woods Looks for New Ways to Suck at Life

Golf legend turns to 'losing' to destroy what's left of his career

Report by Spencer Healey

Before 2010 - the most respected person in sports.  Before  2010 - the Wheaties poster boy.  Before 2010 - The hybrid sportsman and highest paid athlete in the world.  Before 2010...Tiger's life was a living hell. 

"It's like I was this iconic figure that everyone loved and adored.  It was the worst!" an emotional Tiger told NewsMob reporters on Tuesday.  "Tiger was not who Tiger wanted to be." added Tiger.  For years Tiger Woods' life was one of complete and utter success.  A terrible life filled with happiness and void of the problems that most Americans are priveledged to face daily.  "Sponsors were all over me.  Nike wanted me, Wheaties wanted me...the only reason people buy the Gillete Fusion razor was because of me." said Woods humbly,  "It was time Tiger turned his life around once and for all." 

Tiger devastated that crowd still loves him.  Gives them the bird.

Tiger began his recovery from international stardom and respect in early 2010 when he revealed that he had cheated on his wife with not one but 13 women throughout his career.  "The backlash in the home was immediate, and the media soon followed."  Said Tiger - relieved finally of his awful burden of being seen as a kind and loving family man,  "I felt free at last.  Now the public could really hate me, my family could despise me, and my sponsors could hang me out to dry.  It was Tiger's time."

Local Man Goes “Green”

Brian Michaels uses non-biodegradable paint to ensure his lawn stays green all year
PAYSON,UT--Are you finding that summer watering regulations are leaving your grass dead? Is the high cost of watering your lawn leaving your lawn a fire hazard? If either of these is the case, you may be interested in a new solution being used by many around the country to ensure their lawn is always looking better than the neighbors.

 "My grass stays green all year long, no matter what." Says Payson local, Brian Michaels. "I special order this paint from China. It's made of a special mix of latex, epoxy, and lead based paint. It's specially engineered to cling to the individual blades of grass and never come off."

Michaels demonstrating how the paint works

When asked about the possible environmental effects of the paint, he explained "All of the ingredients that are found in this paint are completely natural, and not harmful to the environment. Well, the label was written in Chinese, but I have a nephew that has a friend that served his mission in China. My nephew asked him about it and he said that it was safe. As long as you don't expose it to open flame, you're good."

Local Fish Welcomed to Endangered Species List With BBQ

By Laura Anderson, NewsMob

ONTARIO, IDAHO-- The EPA announced last Friday the addition of the Pacific Salmon to the Endangered Species List. In response to the news local State Senator, Helen P. Chenoweth, decided to hold a Barbeque so that “Everyone may have a taste of this majestic fish before they are gone forever.”

State Senator gives constituents a taste of the newly endangered Pacific Salmon. 

Chenoweth is a self proclaimed animal sympathizer. When asked about her activism in the past Chenoweth responded “When I found out that dolphins were on the Endangered Species List I had one stuffed and sent to every government founded museum in the country-just to insure that future generations may know what these swimming mammal thingies looked like.” adding, “They are the ones you can eat right?”

A large number of protesters were present at the BBQ but seemed to be quickly won over by offer of smoked salmon.

An estimated 4,000 salmon were served at the event, giving visitors a sense of urgency to return because according to EPA statistics the senator may only have enough salmon to host the event for seven more years. 

When asked to comment about they event the EPA administrator,  Lisa P. Jackson said “I have no idea what on earth would persuade a person to do such a horrendous thing-but the salmon cooked over cedar wood is fantastic!”

In unrelated news: Sarah Palin has announced she will write a dictionary for the tea party.

Students Drivers to Use New Drunk Driving Simulator

New drunk driving simulator allows students to practice driving drunk

SALEM, UT – New drivers at Salem Hills High School will be participating in a program that will let the experience just how dangerous driving under the influence can be.

"The new simulator will let students feel what it's like to be drunk behind the wheel." Says Eric MacDonald, driver education coordinator for Salem Hills High. "This simulation takes it to the next level," continues MacDonald, "This is not your average simulator. In the past simulators have been more like playing a video game, and was not very effective. This new program allows students to actually be behind the wheel of a car that is programmed to act as though it is being driven by a drunk driver."

Instructor preps student to drive the new simulator

According to MacDonald the car used in the simulation takes advantage of Mercedes Benz new technology that is normally used to help protect drivers in case of distraction or drowsiness by sensing if a car in front of them makes a sudden stop, allowing them to stop in time. It also helps alert the driver and make a correction if they begin falling asleep and drifting out of their lane.

"We had the software changed to cause the car to be almost impossible to control." Explained MacDonald. "It will swerve, drive fast, do random brake checks, as well as slow reaction and stopping time."

Sarah Palin: "That's what she said."

Palin to coin popular phrase for 2012 presidential campaign slogan

Report by Spencer Healey



'Cox and Cocktails' (Warren G. Harding), 'Not just peanuts' (Jimmy Carter), and 'He's making us proud again' (Gerald R. Ford) will all go down together in history as part of an exclusive club made up of sayings that tug at the heartstrings and patriotism of every American this side of California.  The Club = Presidentail Campaign Slogans. 

2012 presidential campaign hopeful Senator Sarah Palin of Alaska has revealed her soon to be slogan, 'That's what she said...' (referred to as TWSS for the remainder of article).  Sources close to Palin say that this particular phrase "goes very deep for Palin" (TWSS).  A big fan of the hit comedy series 'The Office', Palin explained, "I want people to remember me for being both 'a woman' AND 'a talker' in this race" (TWSS). 

That's what Palin said.

Palin points to the popularity of the saying as one of the key reasons for choosing it over other slogan hopeful,s like 'Sarah WILL fight you', 'A gun in every hand', and 'Palin-See, we told you the Republican Party wasn't sexist'.  "Really in the end," remarked Palin, "it comes down to 'What are voters going to remember?'"  And she has a point- the term 'That's what she said'  is a household quip known to virtually everyone in America.  One of Palin's staff mentioned that "It's really the easiest way to create a dirty joke or innuendo."  When asked if he used the phrase often, he responded, "I use it all the time (TWSS).  It's not as good though if it's just been used by someone else (TWSS)."

Satire Makes a Comeback in Utah County

PAYSON, UT -- Former writers for PimpNews Spencer Healey and Mark Dimond have come out of retirement.  Their latest installment of satire will now be located at newsmob-themoblife.blogspot.com  

The imaginary mob making them do this

40 ft. giant Pinatas left on U.S./Mexico borders

Secretary of Homeland Security: “We’re delighted to accept these wonderful gifts from our neighbors from the south…”

Report by Spencer Healey

The pinatas come as a surprise to border patrol officials who have been a-holes to the Mexicans as of late

In what may be an attempt at repairing broken ties between the two countries, Mexico has delivered no less than 200 giant pinatas at various locations along the U.S./Mexico border.  The pinatas, each one 40 ft. tall and 15 ft. wide, turned up Sunday night.  Each pinata had a small tag attached that read “To: America, Love: Mexico”. 

Local Man Has Average Day at Work

By Mark Dimond, NewsMob

PLEASANT GROVE, UT – Jonathan E. Cameron admitted to having an average, maybe even below average day at the office today.

Sleeping is an essential part of the day for James E. Cameron

“Normally I try and at least act like I’m working hard,” Cameron admitted. “But today I just didn’t really even care.”

He reported to spending a good portion of his day watching youtube videos, reading the Onion, and sleeping on his desk.

“One time we were throwing paper airplanes at his face while he was asleep, and he woke up with a keyboard shaped imprint on his face,” laughed one of Cameron’s coworkers. “It was pretty funny I guess. It was the highlight of my day.”

In unrelated news, a small bird was rescued and then eaten by a homeless man today in Salt Lake City.

Aggressive Park Ranger to be Euthanized

By Mark Dimond, NewsMob

PAYSON, UT – Officials reportedly had to put down an overzealous park ranger this last weekend.

The Utah Division of Wildlife Resources reports that the ranger (whose name has not yet been released to the public) had been over aggressive when responding to alleged park infractions.

“I was just trying to pet the friendly bear,” said a local camper. Witnesses then tell us that the ranger started screaming wildly and tackled the man to the ground, lightly bruising his arm.

Ranger waits to give out next undeserved citation

“This kind of aggressive behavior is not acceptable by rangers,” reports the division outreach manager. “He has had numerous complaints filed against him. Some of the more serious ones include giving out citations for poaching and calling the police about a marijuana field.”

Threatened campers reported trying several means to scare off the power hungry ranger. Attempts ranged from making loud noises to firing warning shots in the air. None of these attempts proved to be successful.